Sacrifice Myself
by blackfireorchid
Summary: HieixKurama. Shounen Ai. In a predictable pattern, Hiei comes to Kurama's room once more, again searching for love. But has Kurama had enough?


Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Yu Yu Hakusho and never will....unless I am deemed worthy and given all rights to claim it as mine (a person can dream can't she?)

This is Shounen Ai. Meaning boyboy relationship. And in this case between Hiei and Kurama. Don't like it then don't read.

I wrote this "spark of genius" (yes I'm being sarcastic) reeeeeally early/reeeeeeeally late...however you look at it and so there are probably mistakes...but read on.

Sacrifice Myself

You use me. I know you do. But for a few precious fleeting moments I don't have to care. Because you are happy and that will always bring me joy. I don't care if it means nothing more to you then a release, a release of feeling and pride and animosity. I don't care if you keep coming to me day after day and week after week just for the pleasure my body can offer you. I don't care because I know that any way you look at it...you come for me...you come to see me and to be with me. And that's all that matters, its all that's ever really mattered.

At least that's what I thought at first. But as time seems to pass and my love for you maintains and grows. It hurts. Knowing that I'm an object to your whim...to your desire...to your need. And when I silently watch you during the day. And when we recklessly meet every night. My thoughts for a moment are not of you...are not of the pleasure my body racks of. My thoughts just go numb and that's all there is to it. Because eventually you leave me in a cold and composed manner and I am left on the bed, or wherever was the place for your expression, feeling like a used whore.

The youko in me lives for every moment of you. He laughs at my fragility and my weakness of needing to feel your love. He urges me to do what it is that youko is renowned for (other then thieving) and to do it without guilt and without hope for anything more. But would you think it foolish of me to say that I cannot. Would you believe me if I told you that somewhere deep inside of me there's hope for us, there's hope that you will see that I hold more in my eyes then desire.

And here you are again. Leaping through the window that I leave open each night. I want it to be different this time. I want you to feel this time but even as I close my journal containing this confession of my soul, I know I will never tell you how I feel and will never ask any more of you then that which you already give. The risk of losing you because I scare you off for wanting more, the risk of your breath never reaching my skin again, the risk of your eyes never meeting mine with anything but being stoic or angry, the risk of me being alone...there's too much at stake.

Who would have guessed that I, Youko Kurama, the ever composed and caring person known to many, would be slowly slipping into a depth of depression.

_I can feel your eyes on me_ once more and I know why you're here. You never just visit anymore and you never seem to speak to me anymore...not even your trademark 'hn.' That was one thing we lost...one thing I miss.

_You step closer to me in slow paces_. I haven't moved from the desk at which I had had my journal set on as I wrote in it.

"Kurama?" Your voice cuts through the silence but it isn't intruding. In fact I could daresay sense worry in your voice? That was probably hope taking over.

"Kurama?" Do you expect me to bow down to you? To give up my dignity repeatedly to you? To shrink away and melt every time my name rolls off your tongue?

"Yes Hiei?" I ask. Usually no words transpire but for some reason at this point I just don't feel like giving in. I don't feel like always pleasing others before thinking of what I want. I'm sick and tired of being the reliable, the trustworthy, the intelligent of whom you can use to brag with to all of your friends.

_You move closer still_. Do you expect me to turn around and face you? Do you expect me to make the first move this time? What is it that is so different about tonight? What is it that has caused you to look upon me as an equal and actually allow yourself to talk to me and not use me as a toy?

_You don't say anything_. And I don't think you were ever planning on it. Just like all the other times. It must be that this time I was not eagerly waiting for you to arrive. It must be that this time I don't care that you are in my room. It must be that this time I barely acknowledged your presence. And do you know why that is my darling Hiei? It's because I don't feel anything anymore. No love. No pain. No excitement or need to please. Is this what you felt like your entire life? Is this the reason you hurt me? Is this the reason that you can never see me as anything more then a toy, a puppet, someone who was easily taken over? Just another worthless and weak human who gave himself up easily.

_Your arms move to encircle my waist_. It's something that would have shocked me many weeks ago but I'm used to this. This show you put on. This way you have of getting me to allow you to release your needs.

"Why?" Why what Hiei? Why did I not give myself to you the moment you leapt through my window? WHY? Why did I allow you to use me? WHY? Why can't I forget? Why can't I stay numb? Why can't I be more like you? Why can't I be more deserving of you? That way, you could love me and we could both be happy. Not just you but me as well. I'd be happy and you would be happy because I'm happy. That's how this was supposed to work right? This is how people who care for each other feel.

Do you hear that Hiei? Do you? Do you hear any of it? How my heart is bleeding right now. How my breathing has turned into racked sobs. How my legs won't support me anymore and so I let them drop me.

_You catch me_. Funny, that would seem very romantic wouldn't it? Falling into the arms of your beloved. So I guess I love you...again. I never stopped, I suppose. I don't think I ever felt numb. I don't think I can afford to not keep my fear of telling you the truth. And so for tonight Hiei...it will be just like every other night. I'll moan and you'll be happy. And I'll be happy because you're happy.

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Bit OOC on Kurama I think and I switched tenses but I'm not very good in staying in one tense.

I was considering having it not be a one-shot but I don't know....I think it's better at being a one-shot then it would be if it were longer.

The part with Kurama referring to him being used to brag to another's friends doesn't refer to Hiei as such, it's just Kurama having pent up emotions that this is driving him to express.


End file.
